HS* – The things you want are not on their way, they are here now. They are just outside the door, the door that you have shut and locked.
Me – Okay, I get it. I get it. But what about me picking up stuff from others? I don’t want to go there again. The last time was tough. (It really was a doozy folks. It involved a widower, pot, a cage, high heels, and grief. I may tell you about it someday.)
HS – What do you want?
Me – I don’t want to be affected by other people’s stuff.
HS – What do you want?
Me – Oh…I want to be in relationship with and have friends who don’t get high off me or drain me.
HS – What do you want then?
Me – I want friends who have their own energy source. I also want to be more aware of people and situations that are potentially draining. How is that?
HS – We can work with that. But you must drop the walls, reach out, interact. Release the fear and resistance. Focus on what you want and you will get more of it. You cannot build the life you desire alone.
Me – I can’t be like Jonathan Livingston Seagull flying alone in the far cliffs?
HS – He was alone, he learned much, then he rejoined the others and taught what he learned.
Me – Well…Poop!
I had been sensing this coming for a while. Whenever I thought of opening, just letting life in, I felt physically sick with nausea in my solar plexus. I was resisting big time, yet, in a flurry of activity last month, I bought a new laptop, upgraded my phone and phone provider, installed a land line, and got internet again after almost 4 years without it at home. I also registered for a Facebook account after about 5 years off Facebook. The reasons for all that is still not clear. It appeared things were changing and moving. Then: Standstill. Nothing. Zilch. Bupkis. Diddly-squat. Zip. Nada.
Oh yeah, I also quit my job of 8 years in September of last year. So many changes in the last 5 plus months. Having internet and being online may seem normal, natural (I can hear you saying “No internet? How did you survive?”) but for me, someone who prefers hiding out to being seen, going back online was a big step. It seems as if I was being pushed to the forefront. Of what? I have no clue. Not being very fluent in “normal” life I wanted to stay hidden and to savor what felt like the last of my hibernation but it appears that that is not going to happen. I had saved up in anticipation of my time off but money was being spent without more coming in and although I could go back to work as my skill as a RN Clinical Documentation Specialist is in high demand, something is holding me back.
One day last week I started thinking strongly of opening, of allowing people in. The next day I got a friend request but I politely PM’d him to let him know it was not him but me, I only friend family. I felt the familiar energy of resistance in my solar plexus.
I got so tired of the non-movement that 2 days ago, I had a heart to heart with my Higher Self (HS*). I no longer wanted to be in resistance. I knew that in pushing against being overwhelmed by the feelings of others (as an empath) I was also resisting the other things I said I wanted, yet I could not seem to stop resisting. I also knew that I could not close my energy off selectively, that it was all or nothing. The only way to get what I wanted was to open up and move past the fear of becoming another and to look at my emphatic abilities as a skill, not a curse. What is a girl to do?
In resignation, or, perhaps, in desperation, I told my Higher Self to do whatever it took to assist me to open and allow life in. I was done resisting. That day my claret cup Hedgehog cactus flowered for the first time this year. I looked online yesterday to see if that variety of cacti was an early bloomer as my garden group peeps were astonished at its flowering now and while online I just happened to see a site that mentioned the claret cup flower essence. Following that tangent, I learned that that essence assists with clarity and focus, energetic discernment, and having the courage to do or face what I don’t want to do or look at. Well. How convenient! (cue Church Lady face). That night I had another friend request from a stranger – only the third friend requests in the almost 2 months I have been back on Facebook, and all 3 in the past 4 days. Maybe something was happening. Maybe energy was moving. Maybe there indeed was a dam just behind the door.
The kicker came today as a friend I had had a falling out with almost 4 months ago, texted me. After catching up a bit, I asked her why she texted today. She said her inner voice directing her to do so. I was smiling out loud as I texted her about the happenings of the past 2 days and I asked her to thank her inner voice for the validation.
Sometimes I have no clue if what I am getting is a result of what I asked for but, in this case, I just cannot question the rapid series of events. I asked and I got answers. Whatever blocks I had to opening seem to be dissolving.
Today I reached out to some old friends and also made the claret cup flower essence. I am no longer in resistance but feel excited about what will show up in the next few days. I am wide open to life and am focused on what I desire but I am still discerning. To not be discerning would be crazy-town.
Courtni ~ The Soul Muse
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ~ Elizabeth Appell