I thought it interesting that the first report of abnormal cells came at the time I got a checkup in preparation for sleeping with the most interesting man in the world. I called my OBGYN ex boyfriend with the news but he told me not to worry and to just apply my hormones intra-vaginally. So I did and forgot about it.
I’m not sure what prompted my second PAP smear months later at another doctor but the news was the same. Abnormal cells. Unwilling to give it energy I kept forgetting the word “abnormal” and called them “unusual” cells. Maybe that was denial. Yet I could not see a future with cervical or vaginal cancer. I was not able to picture meeting an awesome man, falling in love, and having him take care of sick ol’ me. I literally could not see it.
So after the most interesting man in the world came back into my life then got booted out again, I started looking deeply at my past patterns with men and the way I was dishonoring my body…starting with him.
I remember the break-up texts, the “you can’t commit” phone calls, the wanting and missing him, the confusion, and the crying. I remember reading the energy of his words as he promised that he could commit. I remember feeling so sad that he still didn’t realize how much I know and could feel beyond what was being said. I remember it all yet it feels like it happened to someone else – to another version of me.
Even though I work in an allopathic medicine environment I know that those unusual cells were only a symptom of a larger spiritual imbalance. Radiation, chemotherapy, or surgery could only treat the symptoms, not the source – a source I suspected was way deeper than any blade could penetrate. So in May I had a chat with Rose, a friend and psychic, whose service I had used for over 15 years. She saw the origin of the imbalance and cleared it with my permission. Peter. His name came readily to my mind and I remembered him clearly despite the years between us. I also remembered the dishonor.
Months before my session with Rose I created a homeopathic remedy from my own body for sub-lingual and vaginal application. I meditated. I spoke to my body and let it know my intent for health. I apologized to my body. During this time I became acutely aware of how I responded to and interacted with men and how I used my sexual-creative energy.
I am different now. I can feel it. That woman, the one who wanted that man and the others after who did not quite fit, is no longer here. I AM here.
When the phone call came last week I couldn’t help but smile. Three PAP smears in less than 3 years. This one perfect.
Courtni ~ The Soul Muse