The Onion

I’m trying to decide between watching “Finding Dory” or “The Free State of Jones” or reading the latest Michael Connelly book “The Wrong Side of Goodbye”. Distractions. I know. I know. Zoning out seems more preferable to writing this but the words are racing through my head, almost falling over themselves and I know I won’t get any peace and quiet unless I write. So, here goes….

I had a guy from OfferUp make me a wrought iron courtyard gate. He did a great job but the color he painted the gate did not match the sample of actual paint I had given him. It was way lighter. His claim, “They said this is the closest they could come,” didn’t sit well with me so I got the manufacturer info from the can, went to the paint store in south Phoenix, and had them mix the paint. I told them the story about the guy lying to me about them not being able to mix the right color and, while waiting on my paint, we spent some time chatting about how dishonest people are and what I should do about my gate. I even told them I suspected that the guy used leftover paint from a job he did before mine. I had bought the can of paint with me so they looked up the batch number and showed me that it was a stock color for them. I left the paint store, with a gallon of the perfect color of paint, feeling vindicated and self righteous.

That was Friday. So the entire weekend I ruminated about a few things: How to approach my welder about his dishonesty; how to get my gate painted the correct color without hassle; how to handle paying him for another job he was currently doing for me; how to get the money back that I paid for the new gallon of paint and, most important of all, figuring out how I attracted the experience to me. Why did that happen? I asked that question not in a victimy sort of way but in an enlightened “I own this shit” sort of way. Actually, I can’t lie to you, I played the whiny victim for about an 37½ minutes then got down to serious business: Did I attract this because I believed that people of his ethnicity are dishonest? Hmmm…If so, let me clear that belief. Layer 1.

So…Today my welder came by to drop off the items from the second job and I asked him “Why did you lie to me about the paint? Didn’t you think I would find out?” I then accused him of using leftover paint from a previous apartment job. I was in rare form. The look on his face was classic confusion. Long story short: He showed me the invoice which proved he bought the paint after I had given him the job. We discovered that he had NOT gone to the main paint store I had gone to but had gotten the paint from his steel supplier. THEY were the ones who lied to him about not being able to match the sample as they only carried stock colors. HE had NOT lied to me. I apologized profusely but now I feel like shit about accusing him.

Outcome: On his own, without being cajoled, he offered to re-paint the gate the correct color AND refund me the price I paid for the gallon of custom paint by discounting the cost from the amount I owe him for the small job. The win for him is discovering that at the paint store in south-central Phoenix paint costs 33% less per gallon and custom colors are a breeze.

BUT that is not all! I was wallowing in self-loathing and guilt tonight when I asked for help to really see what was underneath the experience. Seriously – what really happened and why? Last week I remember asking “What should I say to him? How should I approach this?” There might have been guidance but since I was so focused on the belief that he had lied, seeing that fact as the only reality, I was totally deaf to guidance and any alternate ways of thinking. My questions were also not broad enough. Had I asked to see the big picture or asked for clarity, I would have been open to it. But, nooooo, I was so sure he lied and I just wanted to know why I drew the experience to me and also how to get my way, get my money back, and get him out of my life.

So, after I asked for help this evening it quickly came to mind that sometimes I expect the worst. I do tend to run negative scenarios in my head that have nothing to do with the way I want things to turn out. Sometimes I spend minutes on these “negative daydreams” (way more than 17 seconds) but I usually catch myself and laugh. I don’t remember running negative scenarios about my gate…but…maybe I did. So, I could have created it that way. Layer 2.

Tonight, as I was distracting myself by sweeping my floors while simultaneously feeling drawn to see a nightmare enhancing movie or read a nightmare producing book about rape in order to avoid writing this, the core dropped in. Not just layer 3 but the big daddy of realizations: Polarity! For me, life is black or white, good or bad. I see what is wrong, what must be healed, what must be made “good”. I see the negative in all. If you are a healer you know exactly where I am coming from: If someone isn’t sick or unbalanced, you have no income. Right? I am now being shown that those beliefs are the old ways of thinking. Layer 3.

Then quickly ANOTHER realization, deeper and more profound (and harder to follow) than layer 3: I MUST look for and focus on the perfection, the good, the wholeness of someone or something! I don’t know about you but I am no Pollyanna. If a dog has his teeth in me I am not going to say “Awww, nice teeth, strong grip.” But the Pollyanna part of me believes, wants to believe, or, is being asked to believe that I can avoid being in a dog-bite situation by seeing the good in all. That’s a bit much to embrace all at once but I can take it one day at a time, or, one thought at a time. Layer 4.

Almost a year ago a mentor told me I would soon realize that healing is about seeing the balance, the perfection, essentially recognizing there is nothing to heal. Again, I don’t know about you but, for this 20 year RN trained in allopathic healing, this approach seems a bit too “rose colored glasses” however, I am willing to try on a pair. Despite my proclivity towards negative thinking, my life is pretty good – things manifest easily and doors open almost miraculously. I’m excited to see what more I can manifest when I change my NEGitude and don those rose colored glasses. It wouldn’t hurt right? It can only get better and better.

Could I have personally avoided having my gate painted the incorrect color? So much internal realization and growth has come from it that I am glad it happened. No, not glad-glad, not jumping-for-joy glad, but appreciative of the realizations glad.

Although I can’t quite see the direct correlation between believing that someone lied to me when they didn’t and the ultimate realization of needing to see all as perfect I do know that each layer unearthed deep personal beliefs I needed to be aware of. I might see a clear correlation later.

I think I am done wallowing.

Well, it obviously did not stop there.
Later, as I re-worked the paragraph where I had accused my welder, the energy hit the fan. I felt pressure in my solar plexus first (3rd chakra), like a fist or a ball. Breathing became a little difficult. I then felt a constricting pain in my throat (5th chakra) with increased difficulty breathing. Then tears. Lots of them. Suddenly emotional pain from an unknown source washed over and through me but, as I sat on my couch lost in this pain, I kept seeing pictures of 2 selenite wands my mentor had given me along with a Lemurian crystal. After the third or so picture flashed through my mind I got up and got the stones, placed the Lemurian in my lap, and crisscrossed the selenite wands at my throat as I continued to cry and sniffle. The pain in my solar plexus left quickly but the throat pain remained for a while. Memories of times I had falsely accused and had been falsely accused flashed through my mind: Being shunned and ostracized, hangings, beheadings, beatings, burnings, death, and something about abuse of power as royalty.

Whew! I could try to explain this to you and you could try to explain it to me and we could spend time to ANAL-ize it but those words don’t even capture 1% of the intensity of the experience. The first stuff I wrote was a neatly packaged logical 3D explanation but this unexpected chaotic emotional expulsion originated deep from the bowels of time. I trust that you are getting the elimination/alimentary allegory as the experience felt like I was having 10 minutes of emotional diarrhea while squatting over a galactic black hole. Something moved. Something huge. An energy has cleared and I am forever changed. After the pain from the emotional storm abated, I felt another sensation deep in my heart (4th chakra), an opening.

In the high of the calm, I texted my welder to let him know that I will paint the posts. I also let him know that I appreciated him. This wasn’t an altruistic gesture motivated by pity or guilt. My offer was heartfelt as this is also my creation.

Courtni ~ The Soul Muse

BTW, if you feel inclined, tap into the energetic clearing for yourself and notice what you notice. If you actually get diarrhea – celebrate! I look forward to reading your experiences.

Please feel free to share the blog article if moved.


About Courtni

Nurse, healer, artist and deep thinker ...
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2 Responses to The Onion

  1. Irene says:

    Dear Courtni,
    Five days ago I wrote to a friend in emotional stress, husband in hospice, how you helped me to calm down just before Bob’s surgery. We are both Ananda kriyabans and I was tying what I experienced with you with a video from the Ananda spiritual leaders on how to stay balanced in troubled times. Basically deals with the few seconds before the habitual emotional reactions set in. (Your asking me if I want to stay in drama, did this for me.)

    Then, Bob and I today, having a conversation discussing one of my foundational metaphysical gurus, Vadim Zeland, and his “Transurfing Reality;” Bob asking is it Pollyannish? This just minutes before I opened the email notice of your blog!

    First, Bob and I both think you are a superb writer….and, at times, so funny. Thank you for that,
    Second, I also thank you for putting into words what I have been undergoing for the past year…seeing the futility of black and white thinking…in my case aided unrelentingly by my bioenergetic chiropractor. Last session he had me going back 6 generations…Why? I wasn’t clear….but he muttered something that sounds like your release of memories of being abused, tortured, misuse of power.
    And for the first time in a long time, I am just coming through a flu like downtime. I did feel I was releasing/ clearing some very nasty history.

    I also suggest, that this past year politically, and now the election results, and the handling of the protectors at Standing Rock and Black Lives Matter and on, and on, has brought a ton of underlying tensions, injustice to the fore.

    We must be loved, for as you and the gate paint, I have had profound lessons come in less than earth shattering ways…even though the emotional reaction can bring us to our knees. I was deeply touched when you (offered) heartfelt to paint the gate.

    I conclude with this blessing that came today from Jaden Phoenix (first met co-leading M.E. seminar.)

    “In peace may you greet the day.
    In love may you greet night.
    Many blessings in the space between.
    May you travel in the Light.”

    Again, thank you for your wonderful blog. I so appreciate it and you.

    • Courtni says:

      Great hearing from you Irene and thanks for the compliments and for sharing your experiences.

      2016 – a “9” year – is a year of endings and letting go of stuff. Core issues are bubbling up into the collective, literally, in our faces. This theme has been repeating a lot for people I have spoken to recently with many surprises and unexpected results.

      Love that blessing by Jaden!

      I appreciate you.

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