July 3, 2012: The connection was instant. His energy felt comfortable, familiar, known…like someone I’d been with before, someone I could hang out with for the night, for a lifetime, or for longer… an old memory.
I invited him to join me and for a moment he seemed taken aback – maybe those were words I had plucked out of his head. We sat, we laughed, we touched, we drank, and he buried his face in my bright red purse.
“Has anyone told you that you look like that Dos Equis guy?” I asked him.
He had been told – many times.
We left that place and went to another where we acted as if we’d known each other forever. In this place no one else existed but us. He held me securely as we danced – my legs around his waist. As he bent backwards on strong muscular legs I felt safe, protected, and secure. We behaved badly. We almost got kicked out.
Halloween October 26, 2013: I invited him to my neighborhood party and we dressed up – me as a sexy cavewoman and him as “The most interesting man in the world”. I felt proud to be with this tall, dark, handsome man.
Later that night, at the same place as July 2012 but on better behavior, we danced. He leaned back, his arms around me. This time, even though my legs were on the floor, I struggled out of his embrace. I felt unsafe. Same man. Same place. Same me. What changed?
October 27th 2013: After a night of “no” – no condom, no sex and No! No! No! I woke up exhausted with him sleeping peacefully beside me. Following breakfast we kissed long and hard. Unknown to either of us then that was our last kiss.
“I’m glad you came,” I said.
“But I didn’t come Baby,” immediately echoed in my head. So I said that also, in his voice.
“How did you know what I was thinking?” He asked.
It was about a week later, after reading journal entries from previous years, when I realized that I was the one who had changed. I wanted and knew I deserved more and I no longer trusted him. Remembering the lies that pulled us apart the year before, I became extremely angry at myself and at him and I let him know. I told him that I needed more. I wanted a committed relationship. I wanted to be honored and not treated like a sperm receptacle – a dick hole.
But as much as I wanted to I could not make my stuff his fault, I could not make him the bad guy, and I could not make him responsible for my happiness. With his actions he was just showing me the truth about myself. I later emphasized to him that I did NOT want him to change for me and that it was NOT about him. I had matured enough to know that life didn’t work that way. I knew that I first needed to look at and fully heal the deep wounds of my self-worth, self-esteem, sexual molestation, and daddy issues and to also honor myself before I could attract a man who had also healed those parts of himself and who honored and valued me in the ways I truly deserved and desired. It was now or never.
Through this man I lived the truth that what I put out was indeed what I got back. Using the deep hidden beliefs about myself, my energy had called out to the Universe and it delivered to me the perfect man. Not the man I said I wanted but a man who was perfect for who and where I was at that time – an identical energetic match. He was the ideal reflection for me, a tall handsome reflection, who catapulted me into massive change. It took me a year and a half to fully see the gift of this reflection, to see what this man was showing me about myself, and to shift my old habits of belief, actions, and thoughts. How could I not be grateful for him? How could I not love him?
Had I focused on his imbalances and indiscretions or on what he did to me I would have failed to see that gift of his reflection and missed the opportunity to change. Of course another just like him would have hopped off life’s merry-go-round and into my life. Sometimes, even though I know it is not necessary, I think about seeing him again, one last time, to gauge just how far I’ve come and to express my profound gratitude, face to face, for the gift of him.
I recently attracted another man into my life – taller and even more handsome. Our bond was heartfelt and immediate. With him I felt a soul-sharing connection so intense and profound that, for about a month, I could not tell which were my thoughts and feelings and which were his.
As I take the time now to look deeply at and heal, in myself, the issues of fear of commitment, unavailability, abandonment, and a love for isolation and aloneness that this new man is reflecting to me, I wonder “How does it get any better than this?”
Whenever I want to blame others for “making me” feel a certain way or for treating me badly I know to first look at and heal the way I feel about myself and the way I treat myself. Life then has no recourse but to bring to me better reflections of the healed self I am becoming.
And life, my beautiful life, gets better and better each day.
Courtni ~ The Soul Muse