I had paintbrushes in my hand – clean, wet, brushes –dipped only in water. I was about to paint something. My attention was sidetracked by a sound from the next room and I went to investigate. I returned to the drawing still hesitant to get color on the brushes and the canvas. I heard another sound, an angry meow, and, looking down, saw a cat between my thighs. Angry cat face – its teeth bared in protest, a soundless hiss. I covered the cat with a black cloth and hit it on the head. I woke up touching myself.
Instantly, in the semi-darkness of my room, I came to know two things: My vaj-jayjay was angry at me, and, although in childhood I was very artistically creative, I was now more inclined to express the energy in that area of my body sexually rather than creatively.
Had I not recently gotten the news of “abnormal cells” from my doctor, the dream of an angry cat between my legs would have had me getting up to see if my 15 year old cat was low on water…again.
The results of my pap smear led me to look deep into myself and into that part of my body and energy anatomy where the imbalance lay. I was forced to look at relationships – my earliest male relationships with both my father and my pedophile neighbor; my inability to commit; my habitual dishonoring of marriage and other unions; my superficial relationship with my invisible mother. I saw the way I wielded my sexual energy: like a sword – powerfully overwhelming and sharp, or like a trap. I investigated how I expressed my creativity – buying but not using paints, creative tools and canvasses; fabric bought with curtains in mind often remained folded in a closet until sold at a garage sale or given to charity; ideas birthed in excitement suffered slow deaths. Money and finances were often left up to men or luck as I had no clue – bounced checks, bankruptcy, and foreclosure were the results. These were all classic second (sacral) chakra challenges.
I had been obsessed with orange for about 3 years now: orange purses, orange pillows, orange vases, orange juice (this even from childhood), orange clothing. Orange – my creativity needing expression, my sexuality needing alignment, my finances needing an overhaul, my relationships demanding balance. Orange – for caution, for slowing down, and for prudence. Thinking it was about fashion and décor, I ignored the signs.
At our neighborhood Halloween party this year the palm reader looked at my fingers. “You need to create!” she almost shouted, “Your fingers, your hands need to sew, to garden, to play the piano….”
I looked at her, feeling smug in the knowing that I had sewn the sexy cavewoman costume I was wearing. I had sewn it by hand as my sewing machine was broken. I was creating like a mo-fo.
Her words – almost of alarm – come back to me sometimes. No longer feeling smug, I sit with them realizing that if I do not continue to clear the blocked energy from my sacral chakra, if I continue to be who I have always been, and, if I continue to behave as I have always behaved, I will suffer or die. Not that death is a bad thing.
As a nurse I know the implications of “abnormal cells” and as an intuitive/healer I also know that I must first look at and heal the root cause as the physical body is the expression of the spirit. Clearing my father’s energy (Second Generation) was one of my first steps. I feel much gratitude to the man who recently indirectly assisted by reflecting that imbalance to me in a way that I was forced to look at it dead on. I am also grateful to another man who gifted me with softness, sweetness, nurturing, and gentleness I was unused to.
As the year closes I find myself releasing more than energies, people, habits, and things. I know I am also releasing life as I have known it.
I look forward to my birth.
Courtni ~The Soul Muse