I had a reading a while back where the intuitive told me I tended to keep parts of my life separate, fragmented, similar to the way I did with food on my plate as a child.  The yams were not to touch the rice and heaven forbid if the meat touched anything.  If rice ‘n peas (beans) were cooked together (a delicious Jamaican dish) I would still pick out and eat the beans by themselves.

Recently I determined that I was done fragmenting my Self.   I had been on the “spiritual path” for so long I had forgotten what it was like to fully feel the rest of me.  Not only that but much like a religionist in their outlook and actions towards those not believing in “The Way” I had become judgmental towards those not on “a spiritual path” and a downright stick-in-the-mud.   Last month I began using what I have learned on my path in practical ways to help me find my perfect home.  I had decided then to allow my spirituality to infuse into every component of my existence.  Once that decision was made the Universe rolled into action giving me the opportunity to walk my talk.

A text from a friend/lover today read “U wanna go to the Ronald McDonald house gala tomorrow night?  My business partner is on their board.”

Immediately pardoning the last minute invitation, (What? You think that an electrifying woman such as I would be without plans and alone on a Saturday night?) I felt excited, pleased, flattered, and then panicked.  OMG I have nothing to wear!  I rushed to my closet thinking that the perfect dress would just materialize but no dice.  In my mind’s eye I saw myself years ago when I was “non-spiritual”, strutting into places like galas, formals, balls, dressed to the gills or rather undressed below the gills – usually in a form-fitting, body-baring, low-cut sleeveless black dress (if you could call what I wore a “dress” in those days) while eyes in the room turned as if to ask “Who is that interesting woman?  Is she a model?” Actually someone did ask that on one occasion when I showed up to a physician’s formal on the arms of a surgeon acquaintance but that is beside the point.

With my narrow focus on spirituality to the exclusion of everything else, and with my customary fragmenting of Self, I no longer thought of myself as that “interesting woman” who went to formals in black dresses even if the trend of the times demanded pastels or brightly colored flowery print.   I had thrown away or given away that part of myself symbolically by donating all my formals to charity.   I was a “Spiritual Seeker”, that frivolous part of my life was over, and I was now more comfortable in jeans and T shirts – judiciously eschewing the flowing purple, gold, or chakra colored caftans favored by some spiritual seekers.   If a man told me I was beautiful, pretty, or whatever, I wondered if he was psychic – able to see the “real” me and being attracted to the brilliance of my inner light.  My physicality was hardly a focus for me.  Also I no longer attracted men who went to formals as I didn’t think I belonged in that world.  In fact, until a few months ago, the men I attracted were other spiritual seekers who had major poverty issues.

I just remembered that only yesterday, as I exited an upscale furniture store, I silently declared that I wanted to be with someone who did the formal thing once in a while and who would be proud to take me along as his date – someone who was also comfortable in that world.  Note to self: When you ask for stuff, be prepared to receive it.  I should have been more prepared.  Preparation would have meant a sexy dress in my closet or at least shopping for one yesterday to go with the thought.   I guess I could still shop for one tomorrow but I’ve already told him I “had plans” which is a face-saving code for “I have nothing to wear but am too embarrassed to let you know that.”

I know one day on the dance floor or at the bar of a fashionable event I will tell him the truth and we will laugh.  He might then offer to go shopping with me to get a dress for me to wear to our next chic event.   My eyes will sparkle with joy knowing that there is a “next event” and he wants me there with him.  But that is beside the point.

I sense now a coming together of Self, an integration.  No longer am I just a down-to-earth spiritual seeker – nor was I ever just that.  I choose now to consciously see myself as ALL THAT I AM all at once.   I’m not yet sure how my life will look and be with this integration but since I AM all that I am sure I will be just fine.   All the little fragmented boxes I had put myself into over the years of seeking now have no sides or lids but I think I am smart enough to know what persona goes with which occasion much like wine parings.   I have, however, been known to drink white wine with red meat because I do not much care for reds but that is beside the point.  Spirituality is entwined in my entire life as I AM a spiritual being and I will continue to use what I have learned, as I stay on my path, to enjoy the hell out of this physical experience.

November, December, and January – ‘tis the season for frivolity – an excuse to eat, drink, be merry, and dress up.  I do think it is time for this spiritual being to go shopping for body baring black dresses and beautiful accessories.  Maybe I will get the latest Vogue or Glamour magazine.  I have no idea what the trends are nowadays and I will buck them as usual but I really don’t want to be too far behind the times.

Courtni  ~ The Soul Muse


About Courtni

Nurse, healer, artist and deep thinker ...
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2 Responses to Integration

  1. Irene Nilsen says:

    So nice the way your words can conjure up a thousand pictures! I couldn’t agree more…Last night happened upon and thoroughly enjoyed Project Runway where they were vying to create the new fashion trend for 2014.

    Life is so splendid with diversity, I often wonder at how anyone can spout the values of the dreary life in the name of being spiritual. Ingmar Bergman’s Fanny and Alexander…and Babette’s Feast really spoke to me.

    Loved seeing this post, as i was just thinking of you today…and the best way to send Season’s Greetings.
    Feel the hug and wishes for a zesty-daring black-dress-all-the-trimmings New Year. Love You!…Irene N.

  2. Courtni says:

    I felt that great hug! Thanks Irene.
    Here’s to boldness and beauty.

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