Coming Up Oranges

I had paintbrushes in my hand – clean, wet, brushes –dipped only in water.  I was about to paint something.  My attention was sidetracked by a sound from the next room and I went to investigate.  I returned to the drawing still hesitant to get color on the brushes and the canvas.  I heard another sound, an angry meow, and, looking down, saw a cat between my thighs.  Angry cat face – its teeth bared in protest, a soundless hiss.  I covered the cat with a black cloth and hit it on the head.  I woke up touching myself.

Instantly, in the semi-darkness of my room, I came to know two things: My vaj-jayjay was angry at me, and, although in childhood I was very artistically creative, I was now more inclined to express the energy in that area of my body sexually rather than creatively.

Had I not recently gotten the news of “abnormal cells” from my doctor, the dream of an angry cat between my legs would have had me getting up to see if my 15 year old cat was low on water…again.

The results of my pap smear led me to look deep into myself and into that part of my body and energy anatomy where the imbalance lay.   I was forced to look at relationships – my earliest male relationships with both my father and my pedophile neighbor; my inability to commit; my habitual dishonoring of marriage and other unions; my superficial relationship with my invisible mother.  I saw the way I wielded my sexual energy: like a sword – powerfully overwhelming and sharp, or like a trap.  I investigated how I expressed my creativity – buying but not using paints, creative tools and canvasses; fabric bought with curtains in mind often remained folded in a closet until sold at a garage sale or given to charity; ideas birthed in excitement suffered slow deaths.  Money and finances were often left up to men or luck as I had no clue – bounced checks, bankruptcy, and foreclosure were the results.  These were all classic second (sacral) chakra challenges.

I had been obsessed with orange for about 3 years now: orange purses, orange pillows, orange vases, orange juice (this even from childhood), orange clothing.  Orange – my creativity needing expression, my sexuality needing alignment, my finances needing an overhaul, my relationships demanding balance.  Orange – for caution, for slowing down, and for prudence.  Thinking it was about fashion and décor, I ignored the signs. 

At our neighborhood Halloween party this year the palm reader looked at my fingers.  “You need to create!” she almost shouted, “Your fingers, your hands need to sew, to garden, to play the piano….”

 I looked at her, feeling smug in the knowing that I had sewn the sexy cavewoman costume I was wearing.  I had sewn it by hand as my sewing machine was broken.  I was creating like a mo-fo. 

Her words – almost of alarm – come back to me sometimes.  No longer feeling smug, I sit with them realizing that if I do not continue to clear the blocked energy from my sacral chakra, if I continue to be who I have always been, and, if I continue to behave as I have always behaved, I will suffer or die. Not that death is a bad thing. 

As a nurse I know the implications of “abnormal cells” and as an intuitive/healer I also know that I must first look at and heal the root cause as the physical body is the expression of the spirit.  Clearing my father’s energy (Second Generation) was one of my first steps.  I feel much gratitude to the man who recently indirectly assisted by reflecting that imbalance to me in a way that I was forced to look at it dead on.  I am also grateful to another man who gifted me with softness, sweetness, nurturing, and gentleness I was unused to.  

As the year closes I find myself releasing more than energies, people, habits, and things.  I know I am also releasing life as I have known it.

I look forward to my birth.

Courtni  ~The Soul Muse


About Courtni

Nurse, healer, artist and deep thinker ...
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5 Responses to Coming Up Oranges

  1. Isara Argent says:

    That’s deep Courtni. I’d be hard pressed to share myself so intimately. But I’ll give it up. I have been doing a practice called Vara Deeksha Mala, a 21 day sacred expression that has a few rules, like celibacy, even with oneself. Getting up early gives one the auspicious energies of 5:30 a.m., which I don’t ordinarily do, but now I do, and probably will continue. Yesterday began the last week.

    In addition I have been watching an online Oneness Meditation or OM, as this particular one coincides with the daily finish of my practice, and as a teacher I am off right now so I don’t have to scramble off to school but I can go back to sleep instead.

    So yesterday morning, as I completed the OM I laid down on my bed in Shivasana (corpse pose). Watching my breath has been a conscious effort. However, as I noticed it, I also noticed the sexual energy fire igniting, and moving in waves up the body along with the breath. Effortless passion transformed into reverie for the better part of an hour, and was quite delicious. I could see why celibacy rules (and doesn’t have to feel like a “rule” but be appreciated).

    I have had an experience like this taking ayahuasca, but this was extra special au natural.

    Loving you,


  2. Courtni says:

    Thanks for the love Cuz!
    I like the idea starting Vara Deeksha Mala at the beginning of the new year. Interestingly, I have been waking up at around 0515 daily, no matter when I go to bed.
    Could you email me some information on this? I think it is time,

    I appreciate your words more than you know.

    In love…

  3. Courtni says:

    So…I looked it up online and got some information here on this website –
    I think i will make up a similar practice for the next 21 days – beginning tomorrow. That one meal a day thing will have me blowing away by a puff of wind 🙂 but I can do all fruit, vegetables and no alcohol. Great time of the year for a cleanse.

    Looking forward to the results.

    Thanks again Is

  4. Donna says:

    Poignant, reflective, and wise

  5. Isara Argent says:

    Here is some more info: The CD is very helpful getting through the process and is only $2.99 for 45 minutes.

    Arizona Oneness Blessing.

    Phoenix, AZ
    963 Deeksha Lovers

    We are so grateful you have found us! There is no time  like the present to join in Unity Consciousness & prepare for this great shift of the ages!As the energies are acceler…

    Next Meetup

    Sacred Chambers – A portal of Divine healing and Connection

    Saturday, Feb 4, 2017, 1:00 PM
    8 Attending

    Check out this Meetup Group →

    Looks like there is a good sized Phx community as well. You might enjoy receiving the blessings. I went to a training in India in July and the “Deepening” in August. Some amazing happenings afoot now, and if you step in the door, well, all I can say is Wow!

    The food thing hasn’t been too hard, though I have been liberal in my interpretation of “fruit”, and sometimes eaten two smaller meals. Avocado and nuts are both filling. Any 108 mala will do, (purify and bless) and if you have a picture that represents your Divine that could be helpful. Your intention is paramount as you know, as you can bypass the time and/or need for an official “trainer”.

    Love You!

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