Gut Punched!

I’ve just been gut punched, brought to my knees, and left crying on the floor. 

Unknown to me,  I have been wearing a mask.  This is not the real me.  When I trained as a life coach in 2006 my clear intent was to help my clients by easily identifying (by listening) the negative or limiting core beliefs a client was running, translate what I heard into the client’s own life experiences, reflect the limiting beliefs back to my client, and then offer ways to help them change by integrating beliefs more aligned with their true unlimited self.  Sounds helpful?  Yes.  But the method I used to integrate these intents within me was so effective it had me seeing the bad, and mostly the bad in everyone, everything, every situation.  Despite my cheery façade I was a seething mass of negativity.  Well…I’m being a bit dramatic.  Okay, a lot dramatic.

This point of view of seeing only what needed to change leaked easily into my non-coaching life.  I looked for what was “wrong” with my friends and how I could ‘fix’ them.  Ick!   I attracted men I coached.  Double ick!  I was always “on.”  I even took my skewed point of view into my workplace.  As a RN I did not have to look hard to see what was wrong with my patients or what needed to be changed.  I did not have to look hard to see their lack of self-responsibility.  I did not have to look hard to see their lack of self-love.  I did not have to look hard to see their powerlessness.  I saw these attributes at every turn and in my mind I assigned spiritual diagnoses along with spiritual solutions.  I got so good that I could have a very short conversation with a patient and know what spiritual imbalance led to his/her physical pain.  I could even listen to my co-workers complaints or conversations and come up with core beliefs they did not even know they had.  I could prove to clients time and again with kinesiology and by their own life examples the limiting beliefs that they were carrying.   I was even able to do this in brief conversations with strangers.  Not bragging but yes, I am that good.  But by looking for what needed to change, what was “wrong” I saw and spoke only about what was wrong or out of balance.  

The gut punch ~ Today I received an email to electronically sign my yearly evaluation.  I read the evaluation although the clinical coordinator and I had gone over it in her office.  At the end I read a line she had put in after our interview and my gut contracted: “…Courtni is negative…”  For a second I could not breathe.   Me?  Negative?  My eyes immediately filled with tears.

 Truthfully, I didn’t have to search for examples as they came flooding in fast and furious.  At a staff meeting yesterday I pointed out more problems than solutions.  I was Negative Nelly. 

Three other recent occurrences popped immediately into mind:

1)  An intuitive friend emailed me this week and twice mentioned “I tend to feel that you’re so sensitive and very tender on the inside but you’ve got some solid protective shield on the outside.” 

The first time he mentioned it I pooh-poohed the suggestion.  What? Me soft?  Yeah, right.  I am solid rock baby!  The second time he mentioned it I took a bit more notice.  Negativity is a great protective shield.

2) A couple of days later on Facebook I wrote “Happy Birthday to a shining example of joie de vivre!” for a friend’s birthday.

She replied “Thanks Court! Recognizing fault is easy … recognizing joy is a gift.”

Something stirred in my gut then and I took notice. 

 3) Yesterday at a staff meeting a fellow RN gave me a compliment.  I thanked her gracefully but in my mind I thought of ways to improve me.  My mind chatter was along the lines of “Thanks but…”

Years ago I worked in Psych department of a local hospital and had a patient who “saw” things written in the newspapers that no one else saw.  She once enthusiastically pointed to words and sentences saying “See? See?”

I looked but I saw nothing related to the conspiracy she voiced.  All I saw was the news in plain black and white. 

My mind seems to work a bit like hers as I tend to string together things that others might not normally string together.  For me the message in those 3 aforementioned and seemingly unrelated incidents that occurred back to back is that I tend to keep people away from me and protect myself by seeing mostly the negative.   In the space of less than a week I was asked to notice how I see myself and others and to realize that I can claim my gift of “recognizing joy” and all the other good in the world.    

This is rather difficult for me to write not only because of the tears in my eyes but also because this post shows a vulnerability that I don’t usually exhibit.  With my myopic desire to easily identify limiting core beliefs in my coaching clients I had become calloused and negative by failing to also incorporate identifying what was good and holy about them.  My unbalanced intent led me to see only what needed to be changed, improved, or made better in others, in situations, in places, and in myself.  As a result I became nitpicky and negative.

As snot runs down my nose, (Nasty visual but you try crying without snot running down your nose) I close for now. 

Something is coming down the pike and it is demanding that I change and come more into balance.  In order to recognize and receive my good I must shift my perspective and patterns.  Tonight’s magic?  To solidly incorporate seeing the good in every situation, every place, and, in every one, including me.  The other stuff I intended years ago?  I think I’ll let that go now. 

If you notice a change please let me know. 

“It is only when you hold each other in perfection that true healing takes place.” ~ The Soul Muse

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About Courtni

Nurse, healer, artist and deep thinker ...
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4 Responses to Gut Punched!

  1. Irene Nilsen says:

    My heart goes out to you. Can you feel the glow it gets whenever I think of you? I hear your logic, but!
    I think it takes a pretty positive person to work with the confused, sick and dying. Yes, details may get one down, but what incredible inner light to keep entering the fray.
    I guess I also think that word is quite a catchall …instead, what about a report stating (if true): “disheartened and in need of a better support system at work. Sorry we’re not doing more for our nurses.”
    Love to you,
    One of your biggest fans,
    Irene

    • Courtni says:

      Irene, your kind words brought tears to my eyes. I think a report with that statement would be welcomed by all the nurses I work with. Maybe I will pass your comment along one day.

      This weekend at work I was very aware of my words and energy. As I listened to one of my patients verbally abuse several co-workers, calling one “a fucking asshole,” and replying to my suggestions with “Jesus Fucking Christ!” I struggled to see the positive.

      You know…I really admired her spunk.

  2. Irene Nilsen says:

    One of the nurses at the SRF mentioned to me that evaluations usually find something negative (!) to say…part of the game around not giving good, if any, raises….
    As for hard-to-take-patients, one of the docs told us when I was a volunteer EMT, to see all disruptive behaviour/language as part of the illness.

    Another thing I’ve just been introduced to is a system of the five elements. if a person has a lot of fire, it’s almost impossible to keep their mouth shut when under stress (one of my biggest challenges), and, I bet that spunk has led many a sick person back to health. xox

    • Courtni says:

      Irene,
      I never thought of management using negatives to withold raises that way. Worth looking into why I would withold money from me…as in attracted to and holding a job where this is practiced (if indeed it is the case.)
      Interesting pov on those hard-to-take patients. I’ll try looking at it that way, in a more holistic manner.

      Yes, those of us with a lot of fire have trouble with keeping silent under stress….both an asset and a challenge. I need to remember to engage my heart more in those situations. xo

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